Without Expectation

My Hubs - He calms me.  He balances me out.  He gives me wisdom when I know that I am lacking it.  He gives me truth when I am uncertain.  He is the gift that God gave me almost 8 years ago.    In less than a month, we will be celebrating eight years of this wedded bliss journey.  What a journey it has been.
If our relationship were dependent on me and the decisions I made, we would never have dated, gotten engaged or married.   In all of God's wisdom, umm, INTERVENTION, He saw it fit to push mold us and place our puzzle pieces together.  It took me months to listen, learn and see that "my" best was not God's best for me.
Every marriage looks so very different.  I see the baggage Samsonite I brought to this union.  I struggle with bringing my selfish and stained heart to this covenant that the Father made.  What I tell people is that God didn't want to leave me as I was.  In order to send a wrecking ball through change me, He blessed me with this man who brings a different set of luggage to our lives.  It is not what I expected.  It is not what I would have written out.
Eight years ago, one month before we got married, I didn't think that I would wake up next to a man who snores.  I never dreamed that the man I married would have to sit, think and ponder for long periods of time about decisions we would make.  Or that he would own more Virginia Tech Hokie wardrobe than a wife could ever imagine. 
Eight years of marriage, seven years of full-time ministry on a fund-raised salary and three children later, we make a choice.  Every morning we pray to make a choice to love.  We make a choice to sacrifice.  We make a choice to trust that God knows what is best for us.  There are days that I want to crawl under a rock and take a REALLY long nap. 
This morning, I am chopping down dead bushes and groaning commenting on the weeds we have for a lawn.  I'm taking a sweaty break and waiting for my constipated daughter to get off the pot.  Its been FIVE days, you all.  FIVE DAYS.  
It's just like these weeds and dead bushes in our front lawn that have to get hacked away.  The grossness of my sin and selfish heart need to be obliterated.  God doesn't take a break like I feel like I need to.  He keeps working and doesn't get tired.  He loves me THAT much.  He loves YOU THAT much to not leave us the way we are.
My marriage is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  It is hard to make the choice to work at it.  It is hard to overlook selfishness.  It is tough to look past our laziness.  It is hard to look past my Hubs dislike for coffee (insert Laughter here).  Sometimes his "laid-back-ness" feels like someone is plucking each hair out of my head, one-by-one.  Yet, I know that I am blessed with the marriage and the children I have.  I am constantly reminded of that fact.  I know that things could be worse.  But it is not for the lack of sin in my heart.  I'm battling some serious thorns, people.  Work with me here.
So I wait, I pray and yearn for the day when things are perfect.  No.  It will never happen.  By the grace of God, I'll keep trying to love without expectation.  I will pray that I would love without condition.  I will keep reaching for Joy that does not come naturally.  And I will thank God for His mercies that are new EVERY morning...His Grace, totally undeserved favor, that He blesses me with. Here's to you, Hubs.  Here is to the man that I don't deserve.  Here is to the man that I choose to love.  Here is to the man that daily tells me he loves me and says that I am beautiful.  Here is to the 'Us' that God allowed.  Here is to the three littles we share and love together.  Here is to the good days and to the "Can we erase this day because it was too freaking hard?" ones.  Here is to our Father, the One that loves us and wants to bless us because He knows what's best for us.
I love you, dear sweet one.  I have loved you for 9 years and only learn how to love you more each day.  Thank you for being patient, kind and seeking to understand who God has made me to be. 
Now, love - will you go change the baby's diaper, take out the trash, till the yard and bring home the bacon?  I love you, TIAB.

Small Piece of You

I think the Virginia humidity has literally gone to their heads.  All three of my babies are fast asleep in their beds.  There are days like these that I want to wish away certain moments.  For instance, when my sweet little girl who, shall we say, has some bathroom issues.  She will sit on the pot for what seems like an hour, then she will step down and say, "Mommy, I don't have to go anymore.  I'm done."  Or when my littlest-little starts crying the minute we put him in the church nursery.  I even told the Hubs this afternoon after we dropped him off, "If he starts crying now he won't stop."  The Hubs replied, "He'll be O.K.  Just give him a few minutes."  Thirty minutes into the service I hear the sweet Children's Ministry Leader's beeper go off.  I looked at her and said, "I'll go."  The poor thing is teething and drooling like Niagara Falls on a sunny day (My baby, not the CML!).  And then there is my first-born.  Every time I lay my eyes on him, all I can think about is the fact that he is leaving us to start the big K...Dun, dun duh...Kindergarten.


The wishing away of painful moments our children must endure.  The agonizing moments when we finally breathe a sigh of relief that everyone is peacefully sleeping in their beds.  The moments when I wonder if I'm truly cut out for this Mama-Gig.  The always-moments where we have to trust God that our precious ones will really be O.K.  


So here's to you, Mama, if you're having to let the rope out, just a little.  To the Mama that is injecting yourself with that guilt.  And for the Mama that is watching your wee one fast asleep in their crib:

Small Piece of You by Sara Groves

I just want a small piece of you
a token to put in my pocket
and I will own that one thing
and it would make me happy
 

I just want a small piece of you
something to put in a locket
and I will look at it daily
and that will make me happy

I guess it's human nature to want to hold you very still
I guess it's in a mother to inject a little guilt
Go on son and see the world; I hope you see it all
But please, please, please don't forget to call

Free to fly, free to go, free to not look back
That's how free I want you though it scares me half to death
Free to wander miles and miles and free to come back home
That's how free I want you though it chills me to the bone

...Go on son and spread your wings; I hope that you take flight
But please, please, please don't forget to write

I know you're just a baby sleeping in your bed
And you probably have other thoughts drifting through your head
I know this conversation's a little premature
It's just that I've heard eighteen years goes by like a blur

...I know that it's not fair for me to hold you down now is it
But please, please, please don't forget to visit

Free to fly, free to go, free to come back home...

My Princess one who dances so freely

My Drooly, Smiley one who has stolen our hearts

My Intense and Tender-Hearted one

K, G and M...you are always free to fly, free to go and free to come back home.  I am far better with you than without.

With all my Love, 

Your Mama

 

Ticks, Ticks Everywhere

We came back from a lake trip a couple days ago.  The outdoor grime had to be washed off...too bad I didn't have a power washer!  If only I had taken a pic of the bathwater.  Truly, I will spare you.  

Before the bathing commenced, we told the two older kids that we needed to check for ticks.  Have you ever tried to explain what ticks are to a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old?  I'm not talking about the concept of bugs.  What I'm talking about is what ticks do.  The explanation about how they suck your blood was followed by, "AM I GOING to DIE?"  Let's just say that using tweezers to pluck pin-sized ticks off of your babies' nether regions is not my idea of fun.

I plucked three off of my little girl and my eldest, well, ten was the last count.  The screaming, writhing and gnashing of teeth was like an eerie rendition of Gollum (LoTR) with an elven rope tied around his neck.  Just sayin.

Lessons from a Kayak

I've never gone kayaking before.  Yesterday, I had my first opportunity and I think I fell in love.  What a peaceful and amazing experience.  At first, there is the initial unease of getting into the kayak.  You feel like you might tip over.  I started out and surveyed the lake to see which direction I would take.  As I paddled on the glassy water, I would hear motors and immediately went into "Traffic Mode".  The bridge over the lake isn't too far, so then I'd realize they were cars and not boats or jet skis coming my way.  After a while, I would feel little waves coming and I would start to go in the opposite direction of oncoming boats with skiers in tow, nervous that the waves would overtake me.


I made my way out towards a little island covered in trees.  I didn't get too close before I started to turn around.  I was taking my time.  I was enjoying the moment.  It was quiet.  I don't get many of these peaceful times with a family to raise.  But it made me thankful.  I am thankful that I got that time to paddle, to think, to breathe and to take it all in.  

God knows exactly what I need and when I need it.  I fight against that a lot.  I think I know what I need when I need it.  What I tend to let overtake me is being on the offensive.  I look to see what is coming my way, next.  Why am I on the lookout instead of enjoying what is right before me?  My kiddos splashing in the water.  My Husband fishing off the dock.  Sharing a great meal, a glass of wine and some wonderful friends.  This beautiful sunset...

Aren't Vacations for Sleeping In?

Decidedly, no.  

Schooled

The Urban Dictionary definition for Schooled:  Taught a lesson (the hard way), to lose humiliating.

When I think of this word I think of being on the Basketball Court.  I can't play the game worth a darn.  As I think about the last 2 years and even the last 2 weeks, considering and praying about Homeschooling our eldest,  I feel like I got schooled on so many other levels.  I got taught a lesson the hard way.  

For two years, I have had dozens of conversations with other Moms and couples about the pros and cons of Homeschooling.  Who knew it would be such a touchy-topic?  Some are adamant about it and some practically ripped my head off for considering it.  Shoot, if my family wants to consider what is best for us and our children, it surely doesn't mean I'm judging you.  Don't be a hater.  


If anything, through this journey of questions, doubts, fears and indecision, I have learned the hard way, that you have to do what honors God and is best for our family.  In my case, the Hubs and I came to a head these past 2 weeks.  We prayed.  We posted up a pros and cons list on our whiteboard.  We had long conversations that got my undies all twisted up in a knot.  I looked up more websites and blogs about homeshoolers than you can imagine.  I read things that made me tear up, laugh in hysterics and then question why on earth we would consider it.  The amount of curricula out there is enough to make your head spin.


Why did we consider it, you ask?  It was not because I was dying for the proverbial denim jumper.  It was not for the sake of putting a plastic bubble around my kids and shielding them from this unkind world.  Nor was it because I thought I was somehow more qualified to teach than all the wonderful schoolteachers out there.  We considered homeschooling because we know our children better than anyone else.  We would be able to create our day, have a flexible schedule and choose our own curricula.  We could give as many encouraging hugs as we wanted, take an unlimited amount of field trips and talk about Christ and who we believe Him to be.  Homeschooling would be portable and with the Hubs' job, there are times where it comes in handy to pick up and go.  Not to mention that the Kindergarten school day would take 1 hour and not 7 hours!


Every time the Hubs and I would discuss what direction we would go in, I would say something contrary.  He loved that.  My 'argument' was not to get his goat but so that we could get a realistic picture of the positives and negatives of each scenario.  What I realized was that I was seeking the answer in the uncertainty.  I have no idea what any of this would look like, long term.  I was not fully trusting that God would see us through this.  I was holding back from really releasing it from my control.  I was seeing through the lens of how this was all going to fall on me instead of looking at it from a family-team perspective.  I. am. freaking. selfish.

I always want to be ahead of the game but somehow, I always end up behind.  I think this is God's way of humbling me and telling me, "Julie, would you chill?  I've got it under control.  Give your thoughts and worries to me.  Ask me and be patient.  You are SO far ahead of yourself."   


In the end, we are sending our Eldest to Kindergarten in 3 weeks.  The reality of having a Kindergartener, Preschooler and a 1-year-old has my heart and mind very full at the moment.  If and when I can give the full attention to homeschooling that I need to, I will.  I am thankful that I have researched and will know what to do if the time comes.

Until then, I will bawl my eyes out as we drop him off in front of the school.  It will be like a piece of my heart, walking away.  This is what we know is true:  we trust God with all of our hearts;  we trust God with each child;  we know that we sought God's heart in this and not our own;  we know that our Eldest will make some great friends and learn well;  we know that he will pick up on crappy behavior.  The Hubs and I will re-evaluate in late fall on how our kids are doing and if we need to make changes.  


I wonder if this tells me anything.  We have this Magnet Calendar hanging up on our wall.  The eldest loves to see what is going on for the month (nothing like his Mama, mind you!)  He sees the "First Day of School" Magnet neatly placed on the day and says, "What's this, Mom?"  I asked him to sound out and spell s-c-h-o-o-l.  He did it and then proceeded to jump up and down like his butt was on fire.  I think he might be ready.

                                         This look on his face pretty much sums it up.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28